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Forgiveness is not always easy. In fact, it’s likely the hardest part of relationships. Moving forward when others harm you is challenging and the same is true when working toward forgiving yourself. The good news is healing is not an elusive goal you’ll never reach. With the right strategy you can come to a place of forgiveness and peace.
This may not happen overnight, but there are steps you can take to ensure when you do forgive it’s real. A great way to start is by implementing the 4R’s of forgiveness: Re-examination, resolution, reconciliation, restoration.
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Here’s how they can help you to make amends:
1. Re-examination
When someone hurts us, we first need to reexamine the severity and impact of the offense. Is it truly that deep? Was it a parking lot offense with a stranger you’ll never see again? A petty move from your sibling? An oversight from a coworker that set you off?
Yes, addressing an offense is sometimes warranted, but we shouldn’t be fault-finders. Having to walk on eggshells around someone will undoubtedly cause a riff in the relationship. Not to mention, constantly bringing up minor infractions can be abusive in itself. Let’s remember to be gracious. As Proverb 19:11 says, “it is to one’s own glory to overlook an offense.”
2. Resolution
When an offense is serious enough to address, take the focus off of the offender to bring resolution and instead onto God. Your forgiveness and peace should not be contingent on the other party. For one, they may never apologize or even recognize their wrongdoing. However, you can trust in the Lord who judges justly to avenge you.
1 Peter 2:23 says, “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.”
And Romans 12:17-21 says, “Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord. To the contrary, if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by doing so you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
3. Reconciliation
While resolutions can come between just you and God, reconciliation requires the other party. A sincere apology, change in behavior, and in some cases, reparations, must be evident in order for the relationship to be repaired.
If you’ve forgiven but are not ready to reconcile, it is wise to say so. An example of how to respond would be, “Thank you for apologizing. My intention is to forgive you, but I don’t want to just say the words—I need to process this with the Lord so that I can forgive you from the heart.” This response is consistent with the spirit of Jesus’ commandment to forgive. It is kind and compassionate as Ephesians 4:32 admonishes us to be: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God has forgiven you.”
4. Restoration
If reconciliation occurs it is likely, restoration is available as well. It’s important that all parties work to fully restore the relationship. Accountability, in the form of a therapist or counselor, may be helpful in the process. As you process forgiveness in this stage, it’s important to address any harbored resentment with that accountability.
Remember the words of 1 Peter 4:8, “Love covers a multitude of sins.”
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